Rainy evening

 Every evening I spent, for the last few years, ritualistically, by the window, watching the sun set behind the horizon, the darkness grow gradually, the moon shine in its shimmery splendour and the stars blanket the sky with their cheerful twinkle. I saw the seasons change, wind blow in its course, and the people busy themselves in their chores. Whatever the season, I found it beautiful, yet my heart was at unease. The beauty never reached my numb core, and all that was left was a hollow abyss bellowing out sighs of despair. This was a similar evening, only the rain battered down my window pane, making a rhythmic beat. The pitter-patter was soothing to my frayed nerves, resting my throbbing temple, against the cool surface of the window pane. My thoughts floated off to a distant land, utopian in its realm, peace in every step I took, love in every breath I drew and harmony in every sound I perceived, splendour in every sight I beheld. I wondered, is this fantasy ever to be? Why do I wonder so, when I know it is not to be, when I know its all pretend? May be it is because, my wanderings of this world has run dry, lessons learnt, mistakes old and stark. I wondered what my life could have been, had I not taken the road less taken, for allies were few, foes many, perils round the corners. These I never cared for, but, I lost a great deal, and I still couldn’t come to terms with my loss. My quandaries confounded me, for I was torn between dreams and bonds. How could I justify severing any? Had I never followed my heart, would my stance be different, and how?

A flash of lightning tearing up the sky, sending ripples of thunder around, brought me back to my surroundings. The street was deserted, the trees swayed with the wind, speaking words of ancient wisdom, I wish I could decipher. I watched  a fresh spell of rain pelting down from the heavens; the night was thrilling and the wind chilling, as I reminisced the carefree days, lost in the dark alleys of my memory, when I could simply enjoy the rain, beating down my face, the wind caressing me in a cool embrace. How I longed to be carefree, to stretch my arms and feel the rain wash away my cares. Many a nights I remembered, a tiny smile broke free, as days yearned came to me. The thunder grew louder, it seemed it was calling out to me. I walked as in a reverie, out of the porch in the pouring rain. As I stood there, heavy drops lashed at my skin, fogging my vision. This was not how I imagined it would be, or was it because the rain seared through my consciousness, reaching into the depths of my mind, pulling out every painful thought I kept hidden deep inside, choosing to be numb instead. As memories came flooding into my mind, drowning me in their multitude, I stood transfixed, as tears that had long run dry, came to my aid. The rain drowned my fears and washed my tears away, as I stood drenched. The thunder ceased, and a soft breeze blew up, playing up a tune with the leaves, as if it was jubilating. I looked around deliberating if it was for my sake, as I felt a load lighter? May be not all was lost, as this world too had yet much to offer. Just as the torrent broke down my defences, forcing me to come to terms with things I chose to run from, may be there were yet lessons to be learned. All I knew was, that for the night I wouldn’t have to escape to my world of dreams…